The Love Letter (Revision Analysis)

Before:

Oh my dearest love. Your essence is so sweet. I love you forever and evermore. My true addiction. My true friend. My life. You are my meaning for existence. Your blossoming hair is a sight to see and your beautiful blue eyes are an even greater sight. Your beauty is only surpassed by your brains. You are perfect. You are my everything. Everything about you brights up my day. Those who know you would too agree. At this moment in time, you are truly the best thing to happen to me. Your laugh brights up my day. Your glistening smile makes me feel better. And your convorsations are delightful. I enjoy “chilling” with you. My time is best spent on you. If I should ever meet someone better for me than you then I shall have met God. With that said, you are truly one of his angles. Your genial attitude and your impecable aura are enough to make me love you. But there is more to you. Much more. When I talk to you I realize you are deep and truly interesting. There is more to you than looks and brains. You are much more. You are poetic and artistic in multiple ways and you harness the ability to make me be captivated in your talking. When I truly talk about you I talk about you in the utmost respect, prestige, and awe.

After:

My Dearest Love,

Your essence is that of the sweetest thing on this planet. For this I love will love you forever. Because you are my true addiction, you are my life and my true friend. You are the very meaning of my existence. I am captivated in your golden, blossoming hair. Furthermore, your eyes speak volumes about your character. Your beauty is only matched by your intelligence. You are perfect: you are my everything. You never cease to brighten up my day. Those who truly know you and I would agree. The best thing that has ever happened to me can be summed up in one word – you. The laughter that rains down upon me by you makes me feel better. Still, your smile is what truly makes me enjoy talking to you. Our conversations are delightful. I enjoy being with you; my time is best spent on you. It is obvious that you are an angel sent by God to save me. Your genial attitude and uncanny mind are what enthrall me in you. There is more to you. Much more. When you and I talk, I realize how deep and truly interesting you are: you are more than just a beautiful girl with a good mind. You are poetic and artistic in multiple definitions. Most of all, you harness the ability to captivate anyone in your talking, including me. When I talk of you, I treat you with my voice as a queen: you are charming, awe-inspiring, and magnificent.

Revision Analysis:

I changed the entire scheme to make it a love letter. Additionally, I took out most of the simple sentences and made my paragraph more poetic with varying sentence structure. I also made my sentences more periodic in order to capture the readers attention and make him or her truly understand what I am getting at. Plus I corrected some minor grammatical issues (misspellings, dangling modifiers, need for commas after introductory adverb clauses and participial phrases, and awkward sentence structure). I removed some of my fragments to make the ones left more effective. Furthermore, I cut out some of the repetitive words and bettered my diction in a way that better conveys love and sophistication (bragging about her intelligence rather than brains). I also included some dashes, colons, and semi-colons in order to make the piece a bit more sophisticated and captivating. I tried use vivid but still abstract imagery so that the audience could picture what they consider pure beauty and relate this to that specific person. Also, I fixed the error of having every sentence start with “I” or “you” Finally, I cut out deadwood and fixed some content errors like comparing an abstraction to a concrete object and removing content that was antagonistic to what I was trying to prove (it was self-defeating to raise this woman to the status of an angel to only cut her down by saying God was better than her). Through correcting these errors I realized that I have a problem with rambling on one topic and bouncing back and forth between unrelated topics and trying to equivocate them. I also learned that I need to focus on key points and not defeat them in my own thesis. Additionally, I have learned that it flows much better to have properly placed fragments in order to convey a stronger meaning. Also, the realization has come to me that I need to minimize simple sentences and maximize more complex sentences that will ensure a more sophisticated (thus accepted) content. With all this said, my goals for my next essay will be to work on all these things in the first draft that way when I revise, I can reach into a deeper level that will make the content, rather than the structure, better. Also, I plan to minimize my rambling and my focused points that way what I write (even if it is good) is more easily understood.

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